As I kid, I sometimes got into fights. Very rarely physically, although there was one incident during recess when I shoved an obnoxious boy to the ground because he snapped my bra strap. My weapon of choice was my mouth. Occasionally, I would foolishly talk back to my parents, but I never won those bouts.
As I got older, the urge to verbally put up my dukes at the slightest provocation lessened when a tumultuous long-term relationship in my teens and early 20s knocked the wind out of my ready-to-scrap sails. After dealing with the psychological and physical torture of maintaining such a high level of drama, I was finally ready to say, “No more.”
But just because I’m done with it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a well-crafted fight. Plus the fact that it’s fictional allows me to indulge my baser nature without anyone actually getting hurt. Here’s my Top 5 dustups:
5. Krystle Carrington vs. Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan
As a kid, I lived for Dynasty. The fashions were fierce and the fights brutal. I didn’t always understand the motivations of the characters but even I was old enough to know what was supposed to happen when the woman who stole your man slaps you in the face and calls you a bitch. You take it to the fish pond, the mud pits, and the showroom floor.
4. Tyra Banks vs. Tiffany
Ms. Banks works hard to change the lives of young women and they better respect her authority. When wannabe Top Model Tiffany offers a blasé reaction to being eliminated rather than falling to her knees in praise (or sobbing like her co-loser, Rebecca), she is served a face-melting tirade that shocked everyone and sent ratings soaring. Honestly, Tyra should have been more upset about how Tiffany mistreated the expensive weave they gave her.
3. Katana Sword vs. Home Shopping Guy
If you’re going to sell a fake katana, don’t tempt fate by pounding the crap out of it against a butcher block table. Since he survived, he can’t be nominated for a Darwin Award but he was darn close. And did anyone else giggle like a 10-year-old when he said, “A piece of that tip just got me”?
2. Patrick Swayze’s Abs vs. Marshall Teague’s Abs
Roadhouse is a true guilty pleasure, a movie so bad that it’s an instant classic! Zen Bouncer Dalton’s (Swayze) final showdown with Jimmy (Teague), the town bully’s #1 Goon, is cinematic gold for so many reasons. As if the painted-on pants and shagtastic mullets aren’t awesome enough, check out those glistening abs! Clearly, Swayze is the winner but Teague highlighting his tight core with a denim-on-denim prison ensemble earns him an honorable mention.
1. Roddy Piper vs. My Expectations
I was a huge professional wrestling fan as a kid so I was beyond excited when “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was tapped to star in John Carpenter’s They Live. My hopes weren’t high. At the very least, I pictured him wearing a kilt and body-slamming his nemesis to the ground at every opportunity backed by a blistering keytar/bagpipe theme song. Instead I was treated to a sci-fi masterpiece featuring nearly six glorious minutes of the most epic fight scene ever filmed. If you’ve ever seen a real fist fight, you know it’s just like this: it starts over something stupid, goes on way too long, and everybody’s bloody and exhausted at the end.